On Looking Back and Moving Forward

I'm not sure how many people have noticed my sudden drop off the face of the earth. But I'm signing in to let everyone know that I'm still here and I'm still ok. In the past month, I have gone through two great losses in my life and I just wanted to take a little space to write about them here.

he first was the loss of Brandon, my best friend's husband and a good friend on mine. It was a little over six months ago that I stood next to them on the altar in my Jamaican Mist Maid of Honor dress as they vowed to spend the rest of their lives together. Who could have known then that their time together would be so short? Brandon was truly a great person and a great friend and I sorely miss him. Having spent almost as much time with him as I have with Kim in the past 4 years, I can say that with every ounce of meaning. I could not have picked a better person to love one of my most-loved friends. Brandon made Kim happy and helped her become more fully herself. Most importantly, he wasn't just her boyfriend, but was my friend as well. He always made me feel special and went out of his way to include me and get to know me. He even told me that he planned to ask Kim to marry him before he did it so that even though I would be in Tanzania when he asked, I could still be a part of that exciting time in her life. While I'm so sad that has gone and so sad to see the loss in Kim's life, I know that God has drawn him to Himself for a reason that is greater then our understanding and I praise God for sparing him from any great suffering in this world. And dude, I still want my quarter.

A week after Brandon's death and on the day of his viewing, my own grandfather died. He had fallen off the steps two days earlier and had bleeding in his brain that could not be stopped. He had been deteriorating rapidly and was on a ventilator. We decided that it was the best to turn it off and let him die peacefully as he would have wanted. This is my first grandparent to pass away and it hit me especially hard. I am very close to all of my grandparents and was always so grateful for that. I'm especially glad that just this October I was able to take time away from school and spend the weekend with my grandparents in Williamsburg, Virginia. I inherited a lot from my grandfather: a love of cameras and photography, a certain soft spot for broiled scallops, and a love of antiques. Fortunately, I didn't inherit his love of Rush Limbaugh. My grandfather was a fascinating man and I wish that I could have known him better and known him when he was younger. He loved to fix and race cars, tinker with anything and everything, and argue about politics. I guess I inherited that too. He was the first person to teach me to use the computer. I can't remember a time when I didn't beg to be let into his videographer's studio to play Grandma's House on the ancient Apple/Tandy he kept there. He built me my first dollhouse and covered it in pink paint and ornate Victorian gingerbread, including a big letter "C", just in case there was any question on whose it was. He supported my love of traveling and helped my parent's pay for my first big adventure, a People to People trip to Europe. I'll never forget his big hugs and wet kisses.

Today was a notable day. I finally cleaned up my room and dealt with some of the things I've been putting off for the last month. I'm sorry for not being more communicative with everyone. I just haven't much felt like talking recently. But everyday I feel a little more like myself and that feels really good. I know that's how both Brandon and Grampy would want it. As Kahlil Gibran said, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. "