Some Deep Thoughts

Happy Fall! Things have been a little hectic lately, but I'll start with the good news. I passed my comprehensive exam in the 99th percentile! That means that I can in fact graduate in 27 days. It also makes it very tempting not to study any more. Now that this test is finished, I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on the last few weeks. I get pretty fired up about a lot of things. I'm a notorious ranter. Hey, that's why I have a blog. But recently it's gone beyond just rants.

As I handle progressively more acute patients, I often find my head spinning. There is so much wrong in our health care system. Staff are over-worked and unable to perform some of the most basic, important things that every student learns (like checking medication orders). Nurses spend less time at the bedside, providing direct care and more time supervising, charting, and giving medications. It breaks my heart to see the way some people are treated in the hospital. There is no one to blame though. It's not as though the staff sit and around the nurse's station and polish their nails. Every one's working as hard as they can, but you just can't do everything. Health care in our country is politically motivated, it's financially motivated, it's so far from ideal it sometimes hurts me.

On the other hand, there are my classmates, the future shining stars of nursing. I don't want to say too much, however, some seem to have a skewed view of what nursing is. As nurse, you do sometimes have to do things that are disgusting and you do have to do things that could pose a risk to your health. You always watch out for your own health first, however, we learn infection control in order to have a correct and appropriate understanding or infectious diseases and how to prevent them. But no matter what you do, if you choose health care as your profession there is the chance that you will be exposed. It's slight, but it's there. Every profession comes with its own job risks. The risk in nursing is largely to your health. Accept it or move on. No matter what one's view of nursing, whether it's a calling, a job, or a profession, we touch patients. It should be our goal, as human beings, to touch them and treat them in a way that is respectful and dignified. Sometimes, that requires me to change a diaper. Sometimes that requires me to ignore things like dirt, flaking skin, or bad breath. But I do it because that human being I am treating has a right to dignity and compassion. I try to treat every patient like I would want to be treated in their situation, or like I would want my family and friends to be treated. Sometimes that means challenging my patient or encouraging them to do something they don't want to, but it is always with their best interest in mind. I question that motivation in some of my classmates. When we fail to see the humanity in the people that we encounter, we commit the greatest injustice of all.

My recent patients have also been challenging my beliefs about euthanasia and in some ways the very meaning of life. It is so hard to see the value in preserving a heavily medicated, slowly deteriorating life. I almost hate to admit that I ever had such thoughts. I know that every human life has value, that no life is a mistake, and that there is a purpose to everything. It's so hard to watch some one's life break down. To see someone who was once a vibrant person become a completely dependent, helpless thing. To literally watch someone slowly, pitifully, helplessly march to their death all the while expending energy and resources to prevent their body from shutting down becomes so exhausting. I cannot imagine the physical and mental anguish. You don't have to walk a mile in those shoes to know that they just don't want to walk anymore. But for whatever reason or whatever circumstances, I have to do everything in my power to prolong that walk, to slow the march, and, in many ways, slowly torture them. I'm just not sure I can keep doing it. I know I have to and while I think euthanasia is a slippery slope, I wish that we were more willing to challenge families and doctors and institutes that prolong what is inevitable. In the last 10 months I have faced more death then ever in my life and while it is so hard and so painful, it is something we must accept. We can make it comfortable and dignified or we can make it long and painful. Why do we keep insisting on the latter?

Whatever the current climate in health care is and whatever my classmates may due, I am so glad that I know where I want to be and that I can keep challenging the status quo. The only thing scarier then facing these thoughts is reaching the point of acceptance and tolerance of the way things are.